Brazil’s Neymar to Miss World Cup

The head coach of Brazil’s men’s national soccer team has shockingly chosen to exclude Neymar from this summer's World Cup.

“Neymar is not on my list,” said Luis Felipe Scolari this morning amidst audible gasps and screams among stunned members of the Brazilian press.

“Have you seen him play with Barcelona? Rubbish!  He’s wasting his time with them,” exclaimed Big Phil regarding Neymar who has scored nine goals and made over twenty appearances for the famed Spanish club since he joined them roughly nine months ago.

Scolari also blamed the twenty-two-year-old former Santos player for appearing in a Brazilian soft drink commercial where he teaches tourists nonsensical phrases in Portuguese.  (The commercial can be seen in the video at the top of this post).

“That ad was offensive, shameful and a poor example for the children of our great country,” noted Scolari about the ad that is being investigated by Brazilian advertising authorities for “promoting bullying.”

Thus far there has been no official response from the two-time South American Footballer of the Year who will be in the starting XI for Barca for today’s UEFA Champions League quarterfinal first leg.

Neymar has tallied thirty goals for the senior squad in 2010 though he joined the side after Brazil was eliminated from the World Cup held in South Africa.  He was named as the best player of the 2013 Confederations Cup that was won by Brazil on home soil and coached by Scolari.

Bolivian President Nationalizes Airlines

The Bolivian government declared that all of the country’s privately-run airlines will be nationalized.

Aerocon and Amaszonas, two small air carriers that mostly operate in Bolivia could soon become incorporated into the state-run Boliviana de Aviación.

“I’ve already named an airport after me so why not control the airlines, too?” said President Evo Morales at a press conference on Monday. 

The leader referred to the controversial renaming of the Oruro airport that was originally dedicated to aviation pioneer Juan Mendoza.

The president added that he might “choose a snappy new name for the airline” such as Moralestrellas, which he claimed would be a combination of his name and the Spanish word for stars (estrellas).  But Oruro Mayor Rossio Pimentel claimed that both the nationalization plans and the renaming are “terrible ideas” since Moralestrellas could be translated as “crashing morale.”

Morales has nationalized numerous major industries since taking office in 2006.  One of his most recent nationalizations involved the state takeover of three Spanish-owned airports.  Along with last year’s nationalization of a Spanish-owned electric power company, relations between the Andean state and Spain have been tense and uneasy:

Pope’s Favorite Soccer Team Renamed For Him

Argentine soccer team San Lorenzo de Almagro will be renamed in honor of its most famous fan: the current head of the Roman Catholic Church.

The fourteen-time Argentine first division champions will have the new moniker of Club Atlético Papa Francisco de Almagro effective immediately according to a statement issued this morning on the club’s website.

“On this date in 1908 our team was established in honor of Buenos Aires priest Father Lorenzo Massa.  On our one hundred fourteenth birthday is fitting that we honor another religious figure who has always looked out for the poor and young,” said part of the communiqué.

“We hope to win many championships with God’s help and the blessing from our ultimate fan,” added the statement.
Last month the then-San Lorenzo team played a league game with a special jersey featuring the Pope’s name and likeness.  The team’s badge will be modified to include the new initials of CAPFdA though the official jersey will still have its distinctive dark blue and red vertical stripes.

The former Archbishop of Buenos Aires has been praised for his humility via his actions such as on Holy Thursday when he washed the feet of twelve male and female juvenile prisoners.  Nevertheless, he has not shied from publicly demonstrating supporting for the team he has cheered for since he was a young lad.  After yesterday’s Easter Mass he proudly displayed a San Lorenzo jersey given to him by one of the thousands of Catholics at St. Peter’s Square.

As sports journalist Vito Garcia recently wrote, the Pontiff loves his team and he was particularly moved in the club’s centenary year in 2011:

Mexican Car Breaks Land Speed Record

A Mexican auto manufacturer may be having the last laugh over a year after presenters of the British TV program “Top Gear” came under fire for  making disparaging remarks about Mexicans.

On Sunday the Mexican-made Mastretta MXT became the world’s fastest production car with a top speed of exactly 268 miles per hour. The Mastretta thus beat by nearly 0.2 miles per hour the previous record set by the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport in 2010.

Argentine Maradona “Church” Followers Defect to Messi

It may not be a schism as profound as the Protestant Reformation but followers of one Argentine “church” are debating over whether to stay or join a breakaway “sect”.

The loyalty of members of the Maradonian Church (named after World Cup-winning soccer legend Diego Maradona) is facing a serious challenge from a group of dissidents. A statement was issued in the name of two hundred former Maradona followers who announced that they have seen the light in the form of Argentine soccer superstar Lionel Messi.

Today’s Video: Marta magic

Could Brazilian soccer superstar Marta soon ply her trade with some of the top men’s players in the English Premier League? Probably not though she certainly has the talent to play brilliantly:

We hope you enjoyed our April Fool’s Day posts on Friday. We’ll be back on Monday to cover more serious news items from the Americas.

Video Source - YouTube
Online Source – MirrorFootball.co.uk

I’ll build a casino on Gitmo says Trump

On a televised appearance on Thursday night real estate magnate Donald Trump blasted President Obama’s foreign policy. "Our weak president that kisses everybody's ass is in more wars than I've ever seen," Trump claimed as he accused Obama of war mongering. But the potential presidential candidate may have some explaining to do after making brief comments on Cuba.

Trump argued that the best way to get rid of the island’s Communist government would be to show the “good stuff” about capitalism. To this end, he proposed that if he were president he would close the military base at Guantanamo Bay and replace it with a casino. He cited Pentagon papers leaked on April 1, 2009 as proof that his idea was “foolproof.” Trump even suggested that he would resurrect Trump Air, which ceased operations in 1992, in order to help tourists flock to the gaming facility.

Trump’s remarks on Cuba come in the midst of allegations that the Miss Dominican Republic winner Dalia Fernandez paid over $100,000 in bribes. (Trump is a co-owner of the Miss Universe Organization that ran the Miss Dominican Republic beauty contest).

Obama has thus far broken his campaign pledge to close the Guantanamo person and last month he ordered the resumption of military tribunals there.

Image- Mark Wilson/Getty Images via The Guardian (“Barack Obama had promised to close Guantánamo within a year of taking office in January 2009.”)
Online Sources- U.S. News and World Report, The Latin Americanist, Wikipedia, ABC News, Politifact.com

Nicaragua: The return of “El Pacto”

There’s a saying that goes “if you can’t beat them, join them.” Ex-president Arnoldo Aleman seems to have taken this to heart with the announcement this morning that he would again join with current president Daniel Ortega.

In a surprising move, Aleman said that he would withdraw his bid to compete in the primaries of Nicaragua’s main conservative party and would instead run with the Sandinista leader. “We ran the country before so why not do it again?” asked Aleman to the press in reference to their previous political alliance.

So far there has been no official response from Ortega or from other senior government officials. But according to a February article in Nicaragua’s El Nuevo Diario, Ortega “spoke very warmly” about Aleman after Ortega accepted his confirmation as the Sandinista presidential candidate.

Known as “El Pacto,” the agreement permitted the country’s main leftist and right-wing parties to run the country for over a decade. Both strongmen originally entered the pact in 1999 as equal partners though Ortega would gain the upper hand as he consolidated power via possibly dubious means. His bid for a consecutive reelection was blasted by opponents as unconstitutional.

Aleman was imprisoned in 2003 after being convicted of corruption during his presidency. Yet Aleman has attempted a political resurgence after the Supreme Court dubiously overturned his conviction last year.

The new alliance is expected to debilitate political parties outside of the Ortega-Aleman sphere such as small opposition groups and Sandinista dissidents. As Tracy Wilkinson wrote in the Los Angeles Times last September:

Caudillos like Ortega and Aleman thrive in Nicaragua, backed by huge political machinery and able to crush aspiring rivals with the flick of a wrist, partly because of the fractured, personalistic nature of politics here. Big egos in a small country, everyone and his brother wants to lead a party; there are dozens of parties so small you can fit the membership on a bicycle, as one local wag put it.

The Nicaraguan presidential elections will be held on November 6th.

Image- El Nuevo Diario (Arnoldo Aleman and Daniel Ortega in a 2000 public appearance).
Online Sources- El Nuevo Diario, Time, Canadian Press, Los Angeles Times

Hemispheric soccer federation proposed

Could Mexico play Argentina or the U.S. versus Brazil for a spot in the 2018 World Cup? This could soon be a reality in a major soccer shake-up proposed for the Western Hemisphere.

The chiefs of the continent’s dual soccer federations, Jack Warner (CONCACAF) and Nicolas Leoz (CONMEBOL), supposedly are behind the idea of creation a single soccer body covering the entire continent. The Federation of American and Latin Soccer Entities (a.k.a. FALSE) would commence after the 2014 World Cup in Brazil according to the notion raised by Warner and Leoz.

Under FALSE international competitions between clubs and countries in the Americas would be unified. The Copa Libertadores, which celebrated its fiftieth anniversary last year, would fuse with the CONCACAF Champions League to form the Americas Cup starting in 2015. Mexican teams have participated as invitees to South American club competitions for over a decade including Pachuca winning the 2006 Copa Sudamericana.

The FALSE proposal would still require approval by global soccer governing body FIFA in a conference scheduled for December 28th. The plan has been met with widespread support by South American countries who believe that FALSE could give them increased revenues and an easier road to qualify for the World Cup. On the other hand, the idea has split CONCACAF and has raised the possibility that the Trinidadian Warner would be ousted from the organization. Caribbean representatives are particularly opposed to FALSE as CONCACAF executive board member Lisle Austin of Barbados briefly said:

“Jack is a bloody idiot and we hope to give his silly idea the red card.”

Image- Xinhua (“Jose Sand (9) of Argentina's Lanus and Hector Reynoso of Mexico's Chivas de Guadalajara battle for the ball during their Copa Libertadores soccer match in Buenos Aires Feb.11, 2009.”)
Online Sources- AFP, Wikipedia, SI.com, Los Angeles Times

Arte Para la Gente: Diego Rivera’s destroyed mural

As you may’ve noticed on Thursday we published a few hoax posts as part of April Fools Day. Hopefully you enjoyed them though I’m a bit upset that I didn’t publish other fake articles such as the surprise discovery of a piece from the famed “Man at the Crossroads” mural.

One of the most well known works by Mexican artist Diego Rivera, “Man…” was a massive 63-foot-long portrait of workers planned for New York’s Rockefeller Center. The artwork would eventually be destroyed under a cloud of controversy:

The painter believes that his friendship with the Rockefeller family will allow him to insert an unapproved representation of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin into a section portraying a May Day parade. The real decision-making power lies with the Center's building managers, who abhor Rivera's propagandistic approach. Horrified by newspaper articles attacking the mural's anti-capitalist ideology, they order Rivera to remove the offending image. When Rivera refuses, offering to balance the work with a portrait of Abraham Lincoln on the opposing side, the managers pay his full fee, bar him from the site, and hide the mural behind a massive drape. Despite negotiations to transfer the work to the Museum of Modern Art and demonstrations by Rivera supporters, near midnight, on February 10th, 1934, Rockefeller Center workmen, carrying axes, demolish the mural.

Rivera would go on to create a smaller version in Mexico City of the destroyed mural. Though he would never work in the U.S. again some of his works like “Detroit Industry” still stands today:

Online Sources- YouTube, The Latin Americanist, Wikipedia, PBS

Peru potato fest goes awry

In the spirit of Spain’s La Tomatina a few South American locales have attempted to copy such an unusual festival. One village in Peru tried to emulate the food fight fest by using potatoes. The results were more painful than messy:

Several dozen Peruvian revelers were injured when potatoes when heavy potatoes were launched in a parade similar to La Tomatina in Spain.

“I’ve never seen so many bruises” said the doctor of a clinic in the northern Peruvian city of Cajamarca after the “La Papallera” festival was held on Sunday.

In case you’re not familiar with La Tomatina, check out the video below. Now imagine being pelted by potatoes and you'll get a taste of what happened in Peru.

Online Sources- The Telegraph, Wikipedia, YouTube

Koalas discovered on Easter Island

It has always been common knowledge that koala bears are indigenous only to Australia yet a group of scientists may’ve made a vital scientific discovery.

In an article to be published later this month in Science Magazine, researchers from the University of Okoboji and Wossamotta U claimed that they found a new species of koala bear on Easter Island. “Unlike its brethren in Australia this new marsupial has a gray nose and black fur,” said lead researcher Brian Shaw in remarks made to us. Shaw added that the new species of koalas were remarkably found in a few of the mysterious stone structures ubiquitous to the Chilean island.

Chilean president Sebastián Piñera declared his surprise at the news and said that he would send a government expedition to Easter Island in order to confirm the scientists’ claims. The find could reverse one of Piñera’s perceived weaknesses according to a recent poll:

Three weeks after walking into shaky conditions throughout the country, President Sebastián Piñera has achieved a 52% approval rating, with only 18% disapproving…

His weakest virtue is “credibility and trustworthy,” which is a still respectable 63%.

Image- The Telegraph
Online Sources- Santiago Times, Science Magazine, PBS

From Barca to Barca for Messi?

Rumor has it that the world’s top soccer player is shockingly looking to leave Europe for South America.

At the age of 22, Argentine striker Lionel Messi has been stellar not only playing for his country but for one of the world’s elite teams in Spain’s FC Barcelona. He has dazzled fans and foes alike with his skills yet he was disappointed at a substandard individual performance in Wednesday’s Champions League quarterfinal draw against Arsenal. According to the local press, Messi threw a tantrum in the locker room after the game while lamenting how he went “to the wrong Barcelona.” “I should’ve gone to Guayaquil” reportedly said Messi, thus fueling allegations that he wants to play for Ecuadorian side Barcelona Sporting Club.

Barcelona S.C. coach Juan Manuel Llop couldn’t contain his excitement in remarks made this morning to one Ecuadorian daily:

“Are you @&%&* kidding me? I feel like I’ve won the *%^* lottery! This is the happiest day of my life!”

It was approximately one year ago that Messi fueled similar rumors when he claimed to seek a transfer to play in Major League Soccer. “If (Guillermo Barros) Schelotto can do it then so can I,” Messi proclaimed back then.

Image- The Telegraph
Online Sources- Diario Ole, Wikipedia, BBC Sport, The Latin Americanist

Evo Morales denounces U.S. time ploy

Bolivian President Evo Morales accused U.S. diplomats of secretly plotting to coordinate Bolivian time to that of the U.S.

As reported by The Democracy Center, Morales denounced several “conspirators…(who) have their sights set on changing our clocks.” He went on to blame a secretary at the U.S. Embassy in La Paz for trying to change Bolivian clocks to adopt Daylight Savings Time.

A State Department spokesperson rejected Morales’ claims and said that he was distracting from Bolivia’s “potential loss” to Argentina in tonight’s World Cup qualifier. Nevertheless, Morales has support from a very close regional ally:

In Caracas, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez announced his country's solidarity against "the conspiracy by the empire to manipulate the comings and goings of our Bolivian brothers and sisters." Chavez then issued an executive decree setting all of the nation's clocks forward by 37 minutes, "to demonstrate our refusal to be a party to the U.S. government's iron-handed attempt to force other nations to synchronize themselves to U.S. time and U.S. policies."

Image- numberworks.com
Online Sources- The Democracy Center, goal.com

Gitmo to become casino says Pentagon

Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza may’ve had "a loooot of fun!" during her recent visit to the controversial detention center at Guantánamo Bay but she’ll likely go crazy over possibly visiting a casino there.

According to several leaked Pentagon papers the jail will be converted into a 1940s style casino called. The plans call for the gaming venue to be built in 2011 after the military prison is closed and after the possible dropping of travel restrictions to the island. The leaked documents also claim that a “full-fledged” resort may be built in the area if the casino becomes a hit with tourists.

Ex-leader Fidel Castro responded today via an article printed in the Cuban press. Castro seemed to be unusually speechless in his brief reply:

“You’ve got to be joking.”

Image- BBC News
Online Sources- BBC News, The Latin Americanist

U.S. plans large maze for southern border

Last week the White House announced plans to stem the overflow of violence from Mexico. Hidden in the proposal’s small print is a unique idea for entry into the U.S.

The secret clause in the plan calls for the building of a fifty acre shrubbery maze several miles away from the San Diego-Tijuana border crossing. Though Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano admitted recently that she’s not too keen on a lengthy barrier along the U.S.-Mexico border she appears to be okay with the shrubbery maze.

As a DHS spokesman admitted today:

“The maze adds an element of fun for those who wish to cross our border by foot. Migrants who are smart and strong enough to make it to the center will be allowed to enter the country legally. We hope they enjoy the challenge”.

The maze plan is expected to peeve off groups on both sides of the immigration debate. Immigrants rights’ activists worry that the maze is too big and the walls will be too high. Meanwhile, some border vigilantes are worried that they’ll have no webcams to look at and that they may have to do something better with their time.

Image- Guardian UK (Artistic rendition of the planned border shrubbery maze)
Online Sources- The Latin Americanist, Al Jazeera English

Lionel Messi off to MLS?

Argentine soccer superstar Lionel Messi is beloved by the millions of aficionados behind FC Barcelona who are in awe of his amazing skills. Yet they are likely to be shocked after Messi reportedly said that he will bolt Spain for the U.S.

According to several “sources”, Messi is rumored to leave Barca and join a Major League Soccer (MLS) team. During practice for tonight’s World Cup Qualifier against Bolivia, Messi allegedly told teammates that “if el mellizo can do it then why can’t I?” (This remark would be in reference to countryman Guillermo Barros Schelotto who played a key role in the Columbus Crew’s championship last season).

MLS commissioner Don Garber was unavailable for comment though some eyewitnesses said that he made drunken, disparaging remarks about David Beckham during an impromptu party yesterday. In addition, Barcelona president Joan Laporta has yet to speak out on the rumors despite his insistence last month that "Messi is not for sale and that's it.”

Messi’s transfer will likely fall under the Designated Player Rule where MLS teams are allowed to sign one player outside the approximately $2.3 million salary cap. Thus, Messi could join Barros Schelotto in Columbus or his fellow Argentine Claudio Lopez in Kansas City. Bookmakers in England placed their best odds on Messi joining Beckham at the Los Angeles Galaxy. Apparently, the bookies have anticipated that MLS execs will bend the rules and favor a star-studded squad in L.A.

Image- Daily Mail (The sight of Lio Messi in a Barca jersey may soon come to an end).
Online Sources- Times Online, SI.com, MLS, Wikipedia, ESPN.com

Lula and Bachelet sitting in a tree…

Latin America will soon have a new power couple after Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva and his Chilean counterpart Michelle Bachelet announced plans to get married.

Citizens from Santiago to Sao Paulo are stunned after last night’s press conference from the Chilean resort city of Viña del Mar where both leaders appeared jointly and hand-in-hand. “I just love twirling my fingers through his beard” cooed Bachelet as Lula chuckled heartily. The soon-to-be newlyweds declared their amorous intentions shortly before Lula left for the G20 summit in Britain.

The Brazilian leader was effusive in his praise of the woman who will soon be his third wife:

“What can I say? My Achilles heel has always been bright women in positions of power. Besides, she has the cutest little smile which brings out a quaint twinkle in her eyes… I’ve never been happier!”

Bachelet is currently a separated mother of three and her divorce is expected to be relatively swift. Lula’s divorce will likely be a more tempestuous affair after his wife was seen throwing his clothes out of the presidential residence in Brasilia. “I wonder of Evo is single?” she was heard muttering in reference to Bolivia’s president.

Image- daylife.com (Lula can’t help but gaze adoringly at Michelle Bachelet as she talked politics during the 2008 UNASUR summit).
Online Sources- Wikipedia, Bloomberg